I have a CT Scan and some blood work coming up and am hoping for answers.
Thanks!
MNP
Letters to Alexa |
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Thank you to the readers who have asked where I am and how I have been. I haven't written in a while because I have not been well. It started a few months back and has gotten progressively worse.
I have a CT Scan and some blood work coming up and am hoping for answers. Thanks! MNP
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Dear Alexa:
The rain slips down over my windows and obscures anything that the inky blackness has already not taken. This dreary night, my thoughts turn as ever they do to you. I wonder if you are well and hope that happiness is in your heart. I thought of you when reading about sunflowers. I know you loved them, your favorite, and I wish their superpowers were enough to bring you back to me, but alas, I know they cannot. They are amazing though, as they appear to be able to clean up radioactive soil. You can read more here: http://www.loe.org/shows/segments.html?programID=11-P13-00030&segmentID=2 They may not have the power to heal a hurt, but they may have the power to save us from ourselves. I find myself again facing a health issue. For the past 2 months, whenever I eat or lay down, I have severe abdominal pain, nausea and have vomited some as a result. I have been losing weight and sleep in equal doses and find myself tired much of the time. My doctor thought it might be a UT infection since I had white cells in my urine, but the antibiotic did not help, so I go for a CT scan on Friday. Not looking forward to drinking the liquid barium sulfate, but am looking forward to getting some answers. My New Orleans Saints are having as rough a year football-wise as I am heart-wise. I wish I was there though, back home, the city I adore almost as much as you. At least there would be adequate distraction there from misery. I have seen Kia's since last I wrote, but I have quit counting them. I don't need to count them anymore. I still see the signs of you, but I am not mentioning them anymore either. I have been focusing so much on meditating and getting in touch with my higher self and where I want to be on this journey of the rest of my life. I still love you as much as I have every other day of my life and I still ask every night: Will you marry me? Hopeful and whole (even if you never come back), MNP Dear Alexa:
Well, don't that just beat all. I had a whole post prepared and posted only to find that it didn't take. Another way that the spirit world saved me?! Maybe. Anyway, hitting with force, I have been bird watching of late, and I am eternally fascinated by the woodpeckers. I love their expressive actions and faces and how they preserver. In fact, the woodpecker is seen as a sign of using wisdom to overcome barriers. I think it is fitting right now in my life. I had one come right up to the window outside where I work the other day and look in on me for a long while. I read up some on them and learned that they hit with a force 1,000X that of gravity when they hit a tree. That's kind of like the force your goodbye hit me with. I am fairly certain that unless you have a new car, that you have already moved in with your next lover, not even a year after dumping me, wow. No, I didn't go looking for that information, but it's kind of hard when the apartment you were living in with your mom is on the way to where I go to the barn and by a loop of walking trail that I use in my daily runs and walks. I haven't looked at your Twitter feed in over a month, you cut me out of your Facebook about 3 weeks ago and I have not answered your last email, and won't. I will preserver and I will be better for it. I am sure someone will value me for who I am. Although I will never love them as I do you, and I will be honest about that to them, I will find happiness again, and I will work to make that kind person in my future happy. Can you say the same about the person you are now seeing? I am over halfway through with Drood, such an interesting work, a blend of fact and fiction, I guess in reality there is no reality, so all is a fiction we construct in our mind really. I also picked up a book from the library on stock investing. It's a topic I've always dabbled in, but now it's time to grow those stocks that I have and make even more money on them than I have previously. I've made some really good choices already, but can make even better. I rode again on Saturday. The mare I rode again was again nervous. I am trying to help her build up her confidence because she desperately needs it. Coming back to the crossties, another horse was sleeping in her stall. When that horse got up, the horse I had ridden, panicked and jumped right into me, including one hoof on my right ankle. Instant pain and a bit of shock, but I didn't scream or yell. That would have only let her know she was right to be scared and maybe needed to be even more scared, so I just calmed her down. You could see she felt bad and in the end, some nasty bruising, a little bit of bleeding and soreness were the only issues. I have tried to block out all signs of you, but unfortunately they still come to me. Whether they come via your name in an email or the word TADA, as did this past week or when I am out and meet someone new who has your name or who has some other connection, they still come to me. I acknowledge them, but I have done all I can. I counted 5 Kia's last Friday, 41 on Saturday, Such is life and I still ask: Will you marry me? Ever the romantic fool, MNP PS: whatever guardian angel saved me from making the previous post that I would have regretted in some ways, thank you! What's Wrong with Me?
The last few years have certainly put me through the wringer; mind, heart and soul. I've never felt that I was anything overly special, but then again, I haven't for a number of years felt like I was worthless either. With friends turning their backs on me and the only woman I have ever truly loved walking out of my life and apparently moving on so easily from me, while I continue to be miserable almost a year later, I have come to ask myself more and more of late: What's wrong with me? I am not hideous looking, so I should not scare people away on that score. I make decent money and am becoming more and more financially secure every day, as I pay down my student loan debt and debts incurred when I was caring for my sick horse. I am a kind soul. I don't seek to hurt others. I remember birthdays and anniversaries and do appropriate gifts and remembrances for such occasions. I believe in love and want to give love as well as receive it. So what's wrong with me? I know there is no practical answer to that rhetorical question, but perhaps you can share ways you've dealt with the darker moments of your life. I'd love to hear them if you do. You might help me and others. “I long so much to make beautiful things. But beautiful things require effort—and disappointment and perseverance.”—Vincent van Gogh
Dear Readers:
Once again, I have been combing through your questions. Thank you as always for reading and writing. I appreciate your support as always. Today's question comes from a reader in California who asks: What made you fall in love with Alexa? Good question. I have thought about this one before, especially through the difficult times when things weren't happy and during the time since she left. There is not one thing that made me fall in love with Alexa. I can tell you though that I felt instantly at ease with her from the moment that we met. I told her things during our first official date that I had never told anyone else in the world - thoughts, events from my past and dark things that haunt me. Knowing in an instant that I could trust her completely opened me up to the knowledge that she was my true love. Never before have I ever felt so at ease with another human. She further captured my heart and soul with her offbeat humor and the way she would become passionate and animated when defending her beliefs. To be honest, I would at times play the Devil's advocate by taking the opposite position from her just to see the fire light up her eyes and watch as she let that passion take over. It is a beautiful sight to see someone in a moment of abandon. Thank you for a good question, MNP Dear Alexa:
Giraffes are amazing. They are animals that I have always been fascinated by with their long necks, spotted bodies and intelligent eyes. I got to feed them as a baby at a zoo. Times have certainly changed. Did you know that they are silent not because they can't make sound, but that they chose not to make noise? I wonder why they are silent. I mean, I get that they are a prey animal and that not making noise can help in that way, but most species also use noise to avoid being eaten, too. It's been nearly a month again since you answered one of my emails, and I did email you back. I guess you have decided not to be my friend even from a distance. That is your loss because I have been a friend to you since the breakup. I have not harassed you, have not insisted you come back to me since I got over the initial shock of losing you and have delved into my writing, horses and my art. I picked up a gig writing articles now. The first one didn't pan out. After nearly a week of trying to get in touch with the artist, he emailed me to tell me he had received my previous messages and calls, but that he was too busy to do the interview and would pass. I can't imagine any artist giving up free press, but oh well, on to the next. I am now reaching to a musician to do a story. Hopefully, he will be more responsive and interested. Sadly, the county and city do not seem interested in my other endeavors. I have heard nothing more on The Little Free Library for the city. I will followup next week and if there is nothing more, then I will reach out to other communities that might prove more interested. Additionally, the grants non-profit is not coming together. I leave messages, but no one ever gets back with me. The people of this area have forgotten how to live and love. More than ever, I know that I do not belong here. I am offering my photography skills to help take pictures of foster children to help find them homes. They may also want me to do some writing for them, so that will be another good deed. I went to see El Galeon last weekend. What a freaking cool ship! I would love to go out to sea on it and sale around the world. Some people are fascinated by yachts and speed boats, but give me a good sailing vessel and plenty of wind. I was reading a book and came across the name of Alexandra David-Neel and I had SPAM messages not only with your name, but oddly there was one that said optima pearl in the subject line. You know why that is more than a little strange. On 9/25, I counted 47 Kia's, 9/26: 3, 9/27: 83, 9/28: 79, 9,29: 33, 9/30: 4, 10/1: 12, 10/2: 16 and 35 today. I still believe in signs, as you undoubtedly see. I miss you, Alexa, that is true and will always be, but as you can tell, I have also moved on from you. If you were to come back to me now, I would only take you back if you could prove that you were willing to make changes, too. You gave up on us. I never will. I only know love for you and always will. With a loving heart, MNP Will you marry me? |