Yeah, I am worried I might have. I wasn't really sure how to reply to your messages about guessing it was good that I was moving, thinking I was happy and being sad that I wouldn't be around. I agonized over how to reply to your email. I wasn't about to lie and say I was happy and all was well, that never was my style.
What my style had always been was to gloss over certain things, tell only part of it or ignore the truth in order to save someone I cared about's feelings. That's my big heart. It's good to have a big heart, but you also have to be careful. It isn't fair to hold things in because you think the other person might react a certain way or feel a certain way. I've learned that, so I couldn't act in the way I normally had either. I had to give the truth, the whole truth and nothing but it (in a kind manner, of course). Now I have to wait for your reaction and accept it, whatever it might be. That's part of the change I am making toward having less over-reactions to others reactions.
This waiting is hard because I fear that it may have been too much too soon. I tried to avert it, but I felt I wouldn't be falling back on old habits if I didn't move forward.
I counted twelve Kia's today and didn't see you in your Optima Pearl today like I did yesterday.
I am grateful though for so many things that the day has brought. I am making that conscious effort to focus on what is good over what is bad. I am grateful that I had the chance to show you that I have changed, at least in one key way. I am thankful for the blue sky and sun that shone so brilliantly on the white snow. I am grateful for the new friends that I am making. I am thankful to have a job when so many don't. The world is truly a wonderous place and the best any of us can do is to hope, love and believe that things are beautiful and good.
You showed me just how wonderful and good the world truly is, thank you for doing so.
With love,
MNP
PS: I will keep asking until the day I do, so will you marry me?