After the disaster at the distillery, I thought seriously of ending this writing. The truth is though that this writing is good with me. It's a habit, like my new creative writing blog, my walks and hikes, my sketching, my horse time, meditation and now the guitar that keep me going, keep my alive. It fills up the waking hours, so there isn't time for pain of missing you.
Was reading about Korea and how they will eat octopus live. That is seriously screwed up and cruel. There is no reason to eat another living being alive. I hope one day they will abandon this practice.
I stopped by the library today and picked up two new reads. The first is a novel by Elliott Holt, titled You Are One of Them. I haven't started it yet, but do hope it is good.
I started the other this evening, but haven't made it too far yet. It's called From a Slave Ship to Harvard. It details a family whose first ancestor in this country was an educated Muslim from Africa who ended up in Maryland. Eventually, one of his descendants makes it all the way to Harvard. It's super interesting, too, because eventually his family settled in Washington County, Maryland. I recognize so many of the names of roads and there were even towns where these people lived. You would recognize them, too, as they are near many of our old haunts. It's a shame this history isn't more widely celebrated in that region now.
I have also made some new friends in the area. That has also been helping me to deal with our breakup. I know you said it was a process, but for me it will never be that way. I know what I know in my heart.
I was speaking with an advisor who has been working with me since the breakup, working to help me deal with the pain. She told me not to give up my hope or belief. Without them, she said, we become hollow and life is truly not worth living.
I counted a whopping 102 Kia's on Sunday (numbers 52 and 62 looked exactly like yours), 16 on Monday, 18 on Tuesday, 5 yesterday and 40 today. One day, you will no longer have a Kia. Will I even know? I doubt it, so then what will I be counting for?
Along with them, I had 6 Kia emails, heard a girl being called with your name in the grocery store, was checked out at the theatre on Sunday by a woman with your name and worked with an editor with your name yesterday.
Fools (I guess you would say) like me see signs in things.
I still know in my heart who my soulmate it, and that is you. But you don't see things that way, so I accept it, even as I cannot understand it. I promised you at the outset that I would always be your friend no matter what. I plan to keep that promise, but I realize that I cannot keep it and do too many things face to face with you. My spirit and heart will be with you always, but to keep my pain from causing you pain, this is what is for the best. Still I will ask each night, every night until I pass: Will you marry me? Maybe one day, I will ask that in person.
Love always,
MNP