Another day and not a word from you. I've read some comments and those I've spoken with, too, all agree I should give up on you. Perhaps that would be the soundest of advice, and I guess in some ways most of me is. I am moving on, working on mending my broken heart through the books I am reading, the counseling I am attending, and the activities I am doing. That said, there is that stubborn heart of me that does not give up when something is important. That small part of who I am has not given up and won't. It won't guide me in all matters, and it certainly won't lead me to do anything foolish, but it will be there, beating for you for as long as I draw breath for the day we first went on a hike together, I know at that moment that I had found my soulmate, and I gave you half of my heart.
Today was the first anniversary of my beloved horse's death. That was an event that I was absolutely certain would kill when I thought about it in advance. Here I am drawing breath and living, as I thought I wouldn't be able to do. I am here because of you. You pulled me through that disastrous event. Thank you, Alexa, thank you for being the kind and wonderful spirit you are to have been able to make sure I didn't end it all. Some people are surprised when I say that you leaving me has hurt worse than Blue's death. It's quite easy though if you look at it - Blue didn't choose to leave me, you did.
As fate would have it, I woke up today with a horrible headache that mostly just got worse all day until a short while ago. That curtailed many of the plans I had for the day - no hiking, no riding, no going out tonight. I did go to the barn and stayed about two hours. Long enough for some human and equine
companionship and to get a picture of a horse tacked and with just the saddle, no padding on her back. This was the final piece of work I needed to complete lesson five of my equine massage course. Onward to lesson 6 now, so long as I have done well on lesson 5. Lesson 6 will start actual massage work! I am so excited for it. I wish you would be there with me to see these first attempts.
You were in a dream I had last night, a very odd one at that. I was a store owner of a store that was like a general store in the modern day. I had a young man come in acting like he was buying stuff who then pulled a gun on me and shot me six times. He thought I was dead, stole my money and fled. Then I called 911. As I lay bleeding out, I called my other work to tell them I would be out for a while, my mom just telling her there had been an accident and I was going to the hospital, then I called you. We weren't talking like we aren't now, but I poured out my heart and soul, telling you that I thought I was dying, but didn't want to leave without letting you know how much you meant to me. I had to leave it all on a message, as you didn't answer. Then I had a text from you. You told me that you were in Louisa, VA, with a "guest", as you put it, going canoeing. You said how you were sorry that you hadn't been talking to me too much, but that you were having heartbreak issues and missing me, and still trying to work through it all, but promised to be a better friend. And then, you mentioned seeing you had a voicemail from me and that you were going to go listen to it to see what it was all about. At that point, me in the dream blacked out and there was no more.
In my limited ventures out today, I saw just 11 Kia's. Of course, I saw yours both going to and coming from the barn, but I don't count yours in my numbers when it is parked by your apartment.
I miss you more than you can quite possibly now. I hope that you will think kindly of me, and one day at least be my friend. Of course, the stubborn half-heart beating in my chest wants you to come back if the fates allow it and have me ask that all important question: will you marry me?
Ever yours,
MNP