Wet and windy weather welcomed me on my weekend travels
which was appropriate given the sadness of the situation.
In contract, 5 years before the weather dawned sunny and warm
befitting of beginnings and all that was yet to come.
Yes, this weekend would have been our five year anniversary had you not sent me a text saying you were not happy and you were ending things. I've come to realize that I shall never be satisfied. Not only was a text a tacky way to tell someone goodbye after four years, but you will never give me the reasons why you ran away from us. Even if you could though, it wouldn't make it any better. I can honestly say that I've seen you at your worst and still love you. A sad situation for me.
I hiked this weekend up to the spot of our first date and said an RIP prayer for all that was and what will not be all because of some reason that I do not know. Do you remember that hike at all or have you already supplanted that memory with your new love? This day that was so special to me is now just another day to you, and you already have a new anniversary with a new love, don't you?
I have gone on a few dates now since you left me and I always feel like I am cheating. I've gained new friends this way, but not a new lover. That's likely to be my lot in life.
I had a CT scan on Thursday of my abdomen. For the past 2 months, I have become nauseated and in pain whenever I eat or lay down. I am losing weight fast and losing even more sleep. It can be hard to keep going and honestly, there are times I am just not up to the fight, so much has been taken from me these past two years. It's not me not to fight, to rage against the dying of the light, but things have changed, been radically re-arranged since you went away. I won't have results until sometime this coming week, probably around Wednesday. If there are no answers there, I will have to go to a GI specialist.
It is odd that I now ignore Kia's. I honestly don't even know if you drive one anymore, but I have given up on that pursuit even if you still do. I see them and sometimes my mind was so attuned to counting them that I have to tell myself not to.
I've tried to ignore any signs I see that point to you, too. It's honestly difficult though because they come multiple times in a day now since I've been actively trying to ignore them. I don't know who wishes to continue to torment me, but someone must.
I still read and study and focus on other things, like this tidbit that whisky can be made from a diabetics urine: http://www.wired.co.uk/news/archive/2010-08/24/pissky. (check out the date on that article - about the time we were in Berlin). Oddly enough, I switched on the TV Saturday afternoon and Runaway Bride was on. I had never watched it, but did so on that day, the anti-versary because that's the whole reason we went to Berlin together 4 years ago.
I have made it through the first anti-versary since you left me. I will have to get through the first anniversary of your odious text in about a month, not looking forward to that.
I am sure people look upon me with a blend of pity and disgust over my continued love for you. I confess that I feel the same toward myself at times as well. I am at a loss as to why I can't hate you as you hate me, why I can't forget you, as you so easily have forgotten me. I guess I am not made of the same cloth as you, and I have yet to decide if that's a good thing or a bad thing. It most certainly is a painful thing.
Nevertheless, I love you always. Will you marry me?
MNP