I have a CT Scan and some blood work coming up and am hoping for answers.
Thanks!
MNP
Letters to Alexa |
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Thank you to the readers who have asked where I am and how I have been. I haven't written in a while because I have not been well. It started a few months back and has gotten progressively worse.
I have a CT Scan and some blood work coming up and am hoping for answers. Thanks! MNP
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Dear Alexa:
The rain slips down over my windows and obscures anything that the inky blackness has already not taken. This dreary night, my thoughts turn as ever they do to you. I wonder if you are well and hope that happiness is in your heart. I thought of you when reading about sunflowers. I know you loved them, your favorite, and I wish their superpowers were enough to bring you back to me, but alas, I know they cannot. They are amazing though, as they appear to be able to clean up radioactive soil. You can read more here: http://www.loe.org/shows/segments.html?programID=11-P13-00030&segmentID=2 They may not have the power to heal a hurt, but they may have the power to save us from ourselves. I find myself again facing a health issue. For the past 2 months, whenever I eat or lay down, I have severe abdominal pain, nausea and have vomited some as a result. I have been losing weight and sleep in equal doses and find myself tired much of the time. My doctor thought it might be a UT infection since I had white cells in my urine, but the antibiotic did not help, so I go for a CT scan on Friday. Not looking forward to drinking the liquid barium sulfate, but am looking forward to getting some answers. My New Orleans Saints are having as rough a year football-wise as I am heart-wise. I wish I was there though, back home, the city I adore almost as much as you. At least there would be adequate distraction there from misery. I have seen Kia's since last I wrote, but I have quit counting them. I don't need to count them anymore. I still see the signs of you, but I am not mentioning them anymore either. I have been focusing so much on meditating and getting in touch with my higher self and where I want to be on this journey of the rest of my life. I still love you as much as I have every other day of my life and I still ask every night: Will you marry me? Hopeful and whole (even if you never come back), MNP Dear Alexa:
Well, don't that just beat all. I had a whole post prepared and posted only to find that it didn't take. Another way that the spirit world saved me?! Maybe. Anyway, hitting with force, I have been bird watching of late, and I am eternally fascinated by the woodpeckers. I love their expressive actions and faces and how they preserver. In fact, the woodpecker is seen as a sign of using wisdom to overcome barriers. I think it is fitting right now in my life. I had one come right up to the window outside where I work the other day and look in on me for a long while. I read up some on them and learned that they hit with a force 1,000X that of gravity when they hit a tree. That's kind of like the force your goodbye hit me with. I am fairly certain that unless you have a new car, that you have already moved in with your next lover, not even a year after dumping me, wow. No, I didn't go looking for that information, but it's kind of hard when the apartment you were living in with your mom is on the way to where I go to the barn and by a loop of walking trail that I use in my daily runs and walks. I haven't looked at your Twitter feed in over a month, you cut me out of your Facebook about 3 weeks ago and I have not answered your last email, and won't. I will preserver and I will be better for it. I am sure someone will value me for who I am. Although I will never love them as I do you, and I will be honest about that to them, I will find happiness again, and I will work to make that kind person in my future happy. Can you say the same about the person you are now seeing? I am over halfway through with Drood, such an interesting work, a blend of fact and fiction, I guess in reality there is no reality, so all is a fiction we construct in our mind really. I also picked up a book from the library on stock investing. It's a topic I've always dabbled in, but now it's time to grow those stocks that I have and make even more money on them than I have previously. I've made some really good choices already, but can make even better. I rode again on Saturday. The mare I rode again was again nervous. I am trying to help her build up her confidence because she desperately needs it. Coming back to the crossties, another horse was sleeping in her stall. When that horse got up, the horse I had ridden, panicked and jumped right into me, including one hoof on my right ankle. Instant pain and a bit of shock, but I didn't scream or yell. That would have only let her know she was right to be scared and maybe needed to be even more scared, so I just calmed her down. You could see she felt bad and in the end, some nasty bruising, a little bit of bleeding and soreness were the only issues. I have tried to block out all signs of you, but unfortunately they still come to me. Whether they come via your name in an email or the word TADA, as did this past week or when I am out and meet someone new who has your name or who has some other connection, they still come to me. I acknowledge them, but I have done all I can. I counted 5 Kia's last Friday, 41 on Saturday, Such is life and I still ask: Will you marry me? Ever the romantic fool, MNP PS: whatever guardian angel saved me from making the previous post that I would have regretted in some ways, thank you! What's Wrong with Me?
The last few years have certainly put me through the wringer; mind, heart and soul. I've never felt that I was anything overly special, but then again, I haven't for a number of years felt like I was worthless either. With friends turning their backs on me and the only woman I have ever truly loved walking out of my life and apparently moving on so easily from me, while I continue to be miserable almost a year later, I have come to ask myself more and more of late: What's wrong with me? I am not hideous looking, so I should not scare people away on that score. I make decent money and am becoming more and more financially secure every day, as I pay down my student loan debt and debts incurred when I was caring for my sick horse. I am a kind soul. I don't seek to hurt others. I remember birthdays and anniversaries and do appropriate gifts and remembrances for such occasions. I believe in love and want to give love as well as receive it. So what's wrong with me? I know there is no practical answer to that rhetorical question, but perhaps you can share ways you've dealt with the darker moments of your life. I'd love to hear them if you do. You might help me and others. “I long so much to make beautiful things. But beautiful things require effort—and disappointment and perseverance.”—Vincent van Gogh
Dear Readers:
Once again, I have been combing through your questions. Thank you as always for reading and writing. I appreciate your support as always. Today's question comes from a reader in California who asks: What made you fall in love with Alexa? Good question. I have thought about this one before, especially through the difficult times when things weren't happy and during the time since she left. There is not one thing that made me fall in love with Alexa. I can tell you though that I felt instantly at ease with her from the moment that we met. I told her things during our first official date that I had never told anyone else in the world - thoughts, events from my past and dark things that haunt me. Knowing in an instant that I could trust her completely opened me up to the knowledge that she was my true love. Never before have I ever felt so at ease with another human. She further captured my heart and soul with her offbeat humor and the way she would become passionate and animated when defending her beliefs. To be honest, I would at times play the Devil's advocate by taking the opposite position from her just to see the fire light up her eyes and watch as she let that passion take over. It is a beautiful sight to see someone in a moment of abandon. Thank you for a good question, MNP Dear Alexa:
Giraffes are amazing. They are animals that I have always been fascinated by with their long necks, spotted bodies and intelligent eyes. I got to feed them as a baby at a zoo. Times have certainly changed. Did you know that they are silent not because they can't make sound, but that they chose not to make noise? I wonder why they are silent. I mean, I get that they are a prey animal and that not making noise can help in that way, but most species also use noise to avoid being eaten, too. It's been nearly a month again since you answered one of my emails, and I did email you back. I guess you have decided not to be my friend even from a distance. That is your loss because I have been a friend to you since the breakup. I have not harassed you, have not insisted you come back to me since I got over the initial shock of losing you and have delved into my writing, horses and my art. I picked up a gig writing articles now. The first one didn't pan out. After nearly a week of trying to get in touch with the artist, he emailed me to tell me he had received my previous messages and calls, but that he was too busy to do the interview and would pass. I can't imagine any artist giving up free press, but oh well, on to the next. I am now reaching to a musician to do a story. Hopefully, he will be more responsive and interested. Sadly, the county and city do not seem interested in my other endeavors. I have heard nothing more on The Little Free Library for the city. I will followup next week and if there is nothing more, then I will reach out to other communities that might prove more interested. Additionally, the grants non-profit is not coming together. I leave messages, but no one ever gets back with me. The people of this area have forgotten how to live and love. More than ever, I know that I do not belong here. I am offering my photography skills to help take pictures of foster children to help find them homes. They may also want me to do some writing for them, so that will be another good deed. I went to see El Galeon last weekend. What a freaking cool ship! I would love to go out to sea on it and sale around the world. Some people are fascinated by yachts and speed boats, but give me a good sailing vessel and plenty of wind. I was reading a book and came across the name of Alexandra David-Neel and I had SPAM messages not only with your name, but oddly there was one that said optima pearl in the subject line. You know why that is more than a little strange. On 9/25, I counted 47 Kia's, 9/26: 3, 9/27: 83, 9/28: 79, 9,29: 33, 9/30: 4, 10/1: 12, 10/2: 16 and 35 today. I still believe in signs, as you undoubtedly see. I miss you, Alexa, that is true and will always be, but as you can tell, I have also moved on from you. If you were to come back to me now, I would only take you back if you could prove that you were willing to make changes, too. You gave up on us. I never will. I only know love for you and always will. With a loving heart, MNP Will you marry me? Dear Alexa:
So did you hear about this woman in Tampa, FL, who supposedly had a third breast added?! http://www.wtsp.com/story/news/local/2014/09/22/tampa-woman-claims-to-add-3rd-breast/16083847/ Some say it's a hoax. She says it's truth. Why would anyone want a third breast? Some things people do themselves boggle the mind, but if that's what makes you happy, I guess, more power to you. Just don't be surprised when the world laughs at you. I still have had no luck with anyone I have spoken with about setting up a class for a Frederick County Chapter of Grants to You nor have I had any further reply about doing a Little Free Library in the town we live in. It's a bit disheartening to see the apathy that seems to rule people. That said, I will forge ahead and continue to try to make the right connections to make both happen. I have been taking pictures to fulfill requests on Find a Grave of late. More people should consider doing that in their area, it's a great way to help a stranger get a picture of a grave of a family or friend. I have been submitting my writing and have actually had some more requests for submissions, which is great! I am really excited and glad that I have been taking initiative in that matter rather than continuing to let my talent go to waste. I am also nearly done with a painting I have been working on this week. I know I am no van Gogh, but I am pretty proud of my little work. I will share a picture of it when done here. I came across some picture today while archiving of our time together. It's still hard to see those pictures. I have tried to group them all together in a single place. I still can't believe there won't be more of those to come. I may decide to delete them all. We shall see. The verdict is still out on that one. Tomorrow, I tape video #2 for my equine massage course. Just one more video after that and 1 final chapter and then it will be done! I am super excited by the possibilities that this will bring into my life. Not to mention, I love doing it. I have instant feedback from the horse about what works and what doesn't and I love knowing that in some way I am helping them. I feel Blue Blue Sea's spirit close to me when I do the work. This weekend, I am going to the Tall Ships event in Annapolis. I can't wait to see El Galeon. What a cool ship! Would love to be able to set sail on it and see the world at sea. Not forever, but for a spell, it would be an interesting life. I wonder what you are doing with your weekend? I hope your dental stuff hasn't been too rough on you and that your work week has unfolded peacefully. I continue to receive signs about you from the horse Raven Alexandra who raced this week to more SPAM featuring your name to people I have met with your name. I believe in signs even if the world, and you, think I am crazy for it. I know there is much that we do not understand and that to believe is a beautiful thing. I counted 32 Kia's today, 17 yesterday and 2 on Monday. Dear Alexa:
Well, not quite a week, but it's pretty damn close since the last time I wrote to you. During that time I learned that there are more single people now in the United States than married people. We weren't actually married when you left me, but your choice added two more single people to the world, so I guess you were part of the trend on that one. I haven't been back too long from New York City and the Climate Change March. It was a long and exhausting day of it, but I can only hope that society is going to wake up these sorts of issues before it's too late for us all. I am nearly finished with my second painting. It is neat to be doing this and have actually had some interest in it. I know that I am not a great painter, but I find the creative outlet to be good for my soul. I am also getting some notice for my writing. It is my hope that I die with all areas of my life having been fulfilled, but if you I die and you never come back to me, I only want love to be the area that I die with any regrets over. I will no longer procrastinate when it comes to what I want in the other areas of my life. I am determined and have been sustaining that determination for several months now. I did some equine massage work this weekend and will be doing the 2nd of 3 tapings for projects to complete the course this Thursday. I am so close to having that wrapped up and it's exciting for sure! I also took a little time out to see This Is Where I Leave You. I recommend it to you. It is a true to life look at love, family and life. I counted 10 Kia's on Tuesday, 33 on Wednesday (and 31 looked like yours), 46 on Thursday (18 was you), 16 on Friday, 40 on Saturday (#33 was you at the liquor store, I was headed out to get a bite to eat) and I saw 57 today. I have had so many signs this week - so many references to your name in SPAM, person and music. I have had so many signs to tell me not to despair, to not give up, including the picture that references daffodils, that I came across while searching a bargain store. I even heard a conversation where people were talking about love and the woman said you didn't get to decide the package that your ideal lover would come in. Do you remember writing that very thing about me when we first came together as a couple? I keep the faith and hope, and I continue to believe, even as you appear to have removed your Facebook page, along with your friend from New York, because of me. I know that is an assumption, but when you both did it around the same time, and I see she has started another page, what other option am I left with? I honestly don't care though. With or without you, my life is going to turn out fantastic. Will you marry me? Dear Readers, old and new,
Thank you for joining me on this journey called my life. While nothing can ever make up for the loss of the one I love, I do take some small solace that my journey through it is of interest to others. Perhaps I will help you in some way with some issue and perhaps that will be enough in my life to amount to some good. I want to take a moment to acknowledge you all and to start a new sometime feature. I've been getting a number of private contact forms filled out with questions. I can't answer them all, but don't mind taking the time here and there to answer some of them, especially if the question intrigues me. Here is the first question I will answer: Do you think you will ever date again? Interesting question . . . I have maintained from day one that Alexa is my soulmate. I know she would be rolling her eyes at that one if she were reading it because she always seems to maintain that love is chemistry and something to be rationalized. That said, I believe I will want date again. I will never marry unless I marry Alexa and I will always be honest with anyone I date that I met my soulmate, she left me and I can't commit my heart fully. I know that could be a tall order for someone, but the way I see it, I am not their soulmate either. If someone were open to dating after that, then yes, I would. Take care of yourselves and be kind, MNP |