I have had a rough week. You noticed it on some of my posts, and I do thank you for checking in if I was ok. Why? Well, it's the same as it's been since last November. I miss you. I never wanted you out of my life. Sometimes, I can keep myself busy, focus on my many distractions to drown out the background noise of a split heart, but there are those moments when no matter what I do, it's never enough. The pain of it all comes back, and life gets hard.
I started taking SAM-e this week. I am hoping that it will balance out some of the rough edges of this pain enough so I can leave peaceably. I haven't gotten much sleep as a result of taking it because for now, it makes me feel pretty high, excitable, full of energy, but sadly lacking in focus.
This is the lot I have chosen though, so I must get used to it. It's not that I chose to end things because I didn't, but I could go on. I could try to find happiness with someone else, but I've chosen not to. I know there are those who tell me this is wrong, but I'd rather be alone if I must be without you than trying to find some substitute.
Here's my theory on love and hearts - we are all born with broken hearts - split, cleaved right down the middle. We can hoard our split hearts all our life, or we can go out and give 1/2 of it to someone else. Hopefully, the other person gives us half of theirs. Then we become richer for it. If the relationship ends, each person can take their half back and have a host of new experiences to take with them. However, if one day you meet your truelove, your soulmate, you know it in an instant, and taking back that 1/2 of a heart is something you never want to do. That is me with you. I have left 1/2 of my heart with you because I know the truth. It's hard to live with 1/2 a heart, but that is what I have chosen unless you decide to come back one day.
I am almost finished with a short story. The SAM-e caused a delay because I haven't been focused enough to finish it and then delve into editing. I think it's good. Maybe not great. I don't know if anything I write ever will be, but I think it's good.
I did have a spiritual event on Sunday. At the beach, a butterfly flew right up and landed on my nose. It stayed there quite a while before leaving.
I counted 46 Kia's today, 33 yesterday, 23 the day before, 58 on Tuesday, 7 on Monday and 102 on Sunday (number 42 looked like yours).
I remember you saying when you left me that you were not happy. I hope you gained some happiness by leaving me because it took happiness away from me. I hope one of us got some happiness out of our breakup.
I still would ask: Will you marry me?
Love,
MNP