I learned today that Robert Kennedy once hiked along the C and O Canal. I had never seen this particular fact before touted on the path, and I've hiked it a lot, but today the lock house at Lander Road was open. It was rather ironic that it was open because we went there several times trying to see the inside. It was never open, even though it was supposed to be. Inside there, they had several news articles outlining his hike there.
It was good to see that inside of that little house just for it, too. I wish you could have been there with me. I then went on an 8 mile roundtrip hike south to Point of Rocks and then back. I went past our campsite nearly four years ago now. The Port-o-Potty of Doom is gone. A newer version stands in it's place, and it was open. I had to go, so I used it and regretted it. Not just for the smell, but because it's not bolted down, and it kept feeling as though it were about to careen over the hill - no the way I want to go out!
I sat there at that campsite, and tears flowed. I couldn't help it. I remember how much fun we had there and that we are now apart. It was ok to cry though. I let myself do it and then I moved on.
I've been reading some books about what I need to keep working on to be better, and I have a new mantra - It's not about me. In dealing with people, we often get overly sensitive when they do something or criticize us. I am one of the world's worst at getting my feelings hurt very easily. I've come to learn though that while there may be some behavior that I have done or not done that the reaction of others to it is not about me. We are all fighting these personal demons that so often originate in our childhood and then spill over into our current relationships.
That, too is so very true for me. I always congratulated myself that I dealt better our childhood than she did. But in reality, I haven't faced it and dealt with any more than she has. Not so anymore. I am going to face it, find ways to heal my inner child and begin to deal with other people in more healthful ways. I know that we both played a part in our relationship's end, but I won't let my past continue to control me. I am continuing to learn and grow and move forward.
Along the walk, after the tears, all of these things really started bubbling to the surface. By the end of that walk, I felt better mentally and emotionally than I have in who knows how long. It was also so nice to see
turtles and hear frogs croaking. Sure signs that Winter has left the building!
I counted 71 Kia's today. I also had an email, not SPAM, from a company newsletter and the manager's name attached to it, was Alexandra.
Best of all, you and I have had an exchange of emails today. I did ask if you would like to get together next Saturday, my last one before surgery. You said no, for a very good reason, but even had you simply said no, I would have accepted that. Another thing I've come to understand is that the truth is multi-faceted. What is the truth for me is not the truth for you and vice versa. Sometimes you just have to accept that if you truly love someone. And I do love you, so I accept that and am ok with it. I accept that you may never let me ask: Will you marry me? I hope you will accept that in my heart I will continue to ask it.
Love in accepting,
MNP