I read an interesting statistic in the wake of Robin Williams' suicide, that at least 60% of those who need mental health services don't get it, mostly because of the stigma attached to mental illness. That's something I can relate to in my own life. Until you grew distant from me in the last year of our relationship, I never wanted to seek any help for my issues because I thought it made me look weak. But I have and will continue to seek help with my issues, but more on that in a bit . . .
I had my 4-6 month followup appointment for my ACDF surgery and everything looks good. I have a few things that I still shouldn't do, lucky for me, they aren't the sorts of things that I like to do - riding roller coasters and the like. While I can return to riding, finally, I do have to be careful. Of course, anything can happen when you ride whether you have had the surgery or not. I am so looking forward to getting back into horse stuff full swing. That along with my writing are my truest passions and will be what continues to save me.
I also went to the local library branch today to pick up the book Out of the Easy. I had requested it be brought to that location. Kind of bummed that the library will be closed most of next month for renovations. Will make it more of a chore to get books, but I still will. I really am enjoying the whole library experience again.
I sent you the letter today that I wrote a few days ago. Basically, it was a letter letting you know that I will not apologize for my heartfelt tears when we last saw each other, but I am sorry for the pain it caused you. I also will not attempt to do anything in person with you anymore, so as not to cause you pain. I also detailed how I came to be aware of who you are now interested in as your next love (he showed up more and more on your page, the smile you had when talking about doing things with your new "friend" and then the suggestion for a page on Facebook because you liked it and there were pictures of you with him and that same smile) and that you can feel free to post freely on social media. Don't hold anything back for my sake. You already inflicted the worst possible pain you could when you left me.
Back to that mental health stuff . . . I hope you will one day seek out the help you need to deal with all of your issues. Until you do, you will always be running away, just as you ran away from our relationship, when things get too tough. I didn't sleep at all last night because I was thinking of us. I know my faults for the relationship not being what it was and I own them. There is, however, no doubt how ended it. That was you. You did it right when things were becoming work. Remember when you told me that relationships shouldn't have to be "this" much work? Everything in life is work, and I've come to recognize that relationships take the most work.
One thing is for certain, I would never have given up on us. I wanted to work things out. When I suggested we seek professional help through counseling, you told me that should have come up sooner. I wondered then and still do, if you felt that way than why didn't you bring it up? I am left with the only sensible conclusion that you didn't want to work. It's backed up by other examples, too. When I was giving you riding lessons, there were numerous times when you were ready to give up. You select one "ideal" career after another only to bow out when the hard work begins.
It's a shame really because I know somewhere down deep you know that us was special and went beyond the mundane, superficial relationships of the everyday. Just as I saw in your smile that you already had a new lover picked out, I saw in your tears when I said you were my soulmate that you understood what you were walking away from. You held those tears back, but they were there. Of course, if you had let them fall, you would have had to address them, more work.
I am not saying this to sound bitter or angry or to make you change. Just as only I could change me - only you can change you. I have never given up on us and won't. I continue to improve myself, so that I can be the best self, the self that you and I and most of all us deserve. My wish is that you face the demons in your past and find out why you always run when the work gets tough even if you stubbornly refuse to come back to me because in the end, I want you to achieve happiness and success.
I counted 13 Kia's on Monday, 20 yesterday and 42 today. I saw a reporter with your name and saw references to the year you were born.
Yes, I still love you. You might not believe it from what I have written above, but I love you for all the parts of you, the rough edges that can cut me to the quick as well as the strong parts that can shelter me from the world's hurts. I will continue to wait for you, but I know that only you can decide you no longer want to run away from the work things take or to remain with an easy relationship should you find one that will never take you to the places you deserve. I still ask, Will you marry me and all my imperfections?
Never givi