Ah the snow came down today, and with it, it took me back . . .back to the Winter where we had the three huge snowstorms. I remember driving over to your place to pick you up for work. Your little Kia was not going to make it in, but my redneck 97 Ford Explorer could do the job. Remember pushing woman's Toyota out of the road because she got stuck next to all the others and we couldn't get through? I remember that and smile (cry a little, too) and I remember mornings talking with you before work and panic buttons and laughter. I miss it all, because it's all a part of you who I miss more than anyone else in this world.
That sled is another memory. We bought those following that Winter, hoping to go sledding together. Either there wasn't enough snow or we let something else get in the way. I figured it was high time it got some use, so sledding I went. Then I went on a walk and played on the playground - swings, merry-go-round, snowangels - it was a lot of fun, but when I looked at the teeter-totters, I got a little sad. I needed someone to counter-balance me if I was to be on them. It's a perfect visual for my life - I need someone to counter-balance me, and that someone has been you for four wonderful years. I miss that if I haven't said it enough already.
You could look at my pictures and see how I spent the day, but you weren't there to hear the noise, feel the wind on your cheek, taste a snowflake, look into my eyes and see to my soul.
I didn't see a single Kia today ,but of course, I only walked and there weren't many cars out.
I did get a brief email from you in reply to mine in our journey to build a friendship. You said you would be sad when I move because I wouldn't be around. I wish you were moving with me, so neither of us would have to be sad, but I guess for now sadness it is. I am throwing myself into the world. If I won't have you at my side facing this life together, than I will be alone, but what will save me is helping the world. That is all there is for me at this point. I would still, of course, prefer that you come back to me, that I get down on my knees and ask you to marry me and that you say yes, but the future is cloudy, so for now, I will work on the world, as I work on saving myself.
I love you, Alexa,
MNP