Do you recall the tree in the picture on this post? I ran across this picture when I was archiving some images today. It's the one we called "our tree", at Monocacy National Battlefield. Do you recall our lunch picnics there under that tree? Those were sunny happy days when the sky was too blue to care about what troubles our future might bring.
I also thought of you this morning when I found myself in Brunswick on a part-time job interview. I passed El Sloppy Tacos, where we ate once, and parked close to the C&O Canal where we hiked. Again, better days.
I like to look back because that's the only place you are now, but the truth is, I am starting to look forward more. Forward can be a better place and looking back won't get me, you or anyone else there. To get to that better place, you really have to focus on today, each little moment, and you can't take anything for granted.
I've done some therapy sessions now, and I have been struck by an important revelation. I have been able to see me through your eyes. There were things that I like, those were the things that I believe made me lucky enough to draw you near me. Then there are the things I didn't like. I want to apologize right now for those aspects of myself. They served no purpose but to push you further and further away from me. These are the things that I am working on. The truth is if you hadn't walked out of my life, I never would have hit rock bottom and gone to therapy and made such breakthroughs. Thank you. Seriously, I thank you for making me look at myself and to see what I wanted to change. Change is scary, but I am willing to do it. I can only hope that I am not completely too late. I will have to trust that forgiving heart that I know you have to give me that chance. Not now, now is too early, but at some point, I hope you will give that to me.
First, I've come to realize that I don't really have much self-love. I am not here to blame anyone for that, so I am not going to go into the reasons here why that is, but I am facing those reasons in my therapy sessions. How did this impact us? I over-reacted to comments you would make about something I said or did. It's ok for those to hurt me, is what I am discovering, of course, it's natural to be hurt by the person you love most of all when you feel as though they are criticizing you, but it is not ok to react as I did. Becoming upset, confronting you and demanding an apology was absolutely wrong of me. I am sorry. I am going to not do those things again.
Second, I took you for granted. This one is probably the one that I am most ashamed of. Early on, I did not, but I know as the relationship stretched on that I didn't make you one of the priorities in my life. I became self-absorbed with job stress and other outside factors. You were crying out for my time and attention, and I gave you lame excuses. I was trying to get better at this one this year, but it was way overdue, so I can't blame you for having a less than thrilled reaction to my wanting to spend more time. I am sorry. I am not going to ever do that with you again.
Last, I made you my only real outlet to the world. I have never been the best at relating to other people. Social events are not what I consider fun, but I used to be better at it. I know part of my problem has been in taking on supervisory roles, which always tend to alienate one from co-workers, but I should have been more involved with others through the wealth of meet-up type social events, so you would not feel like I was smothering you sometimes by expecting you to be my friend, partner and entertainment connection to the outside world. I have already begun work on this one. I have joined several meet-up groups and plan on attending events and making new friends. I will still want to spend much of my time with you, but you won't have to ever again feel like you are my only outlet to the world. Thank you for making me realize that, this will make me a better person.
You see, I want to change for you. You are the only person who ever had made me want to do that. I love you more for walking out on me because you have given me the greatest gift of all - self-improvement. I accept the challenge now of trying to win you back. It took 35 years for the woman that I wanted in my life to come my way. I can be patient until you give me that chance again. If you never do, then I will be alone in terms of having a partner. I consider you my only partner. I don't say that to obligate you or make you feel anything, but it is quite the truth. If you don't come back to me, thank you for giving me the best four years of my life and for bringing me to another level of awareness.
You are my muse, my inspiration. You have half of my heart because I never took it back and never will, so please take good care of it