Well, still not a word, you have selected silence as the final blow that you would make toward my heart.
I have progressed in reading How to Mend Your Broken Heart. There is good knowledge in there. My biggest problem with making progress on the tenets it outlines is my reluctance to let go of you. I guess if I want to live with some ability of happiness, I will have to do so in order to move forward. Perhaps not let go of you completely, but at least enough to forget all the wonderful things about you that trap me in a cycle of never-ending misery where I want nothing more than an end to it all.
It is sad for me to read some of this material, because clearly there is wisdom there that had you been willing to work with me on us that would have been invaluable. It all comes back to that visualization work, same as the gratitude project I just completed the first phase of. Visualize and re-map the brain. I will have to use the techniques to make your memory less painful since you didn't want to work on us anymore.
I can see also in reading it that you moved on before I did. I always wondered at how you saw only the negative in our relationship for that past year while I still marveled at every moment you and I were together. It's not that I was unaware of the negative aspects, but I didn't dwell on them. Like I told you, you still gave me butterflies. The very thought of you now still gives me butterflies because I still associated you with the good far more often than the bad. You clearly were already rebuilding your neural networks to make situations with me more bad than good. I don't know why you did - only you do, but that's why
you apparently have no trouble with the breakup like I do.
"Love in action is a harsh and dreadful thing compared with love in dreams." — Fyodor Dostoevsky
I went to my therapy session today, the first one in 2 weeks. It felt good to let out what I had been dealing with, especially your silence. I don't know how much longer I will need to go to therapy, but I am grateful that I did because it has helped me to grow and be a better person.
I also got my hair cut. It's nice and short again, not in my eyes or face, which makes me ever so happy. It always looks shorter than it is due to the kink.
Sad news for White Tiger. He is a cat from my mom's first litter of foster kittens and was one of two siblings from that litter that found their home with my family because my youngest brother and little sister fell in love with them. Whitie has Leukemia. It is advanced badly, and he has days at the most. It will be sad to lose him. He has always been such a good, uncomplicated cat, giving love to all and anger to none. We should all be so lucky to have a friend like him and should all strive to be a little more like him each day.
I saw 39 Kia's today and number 25 was you, headed home, as I too was headed home. You didn't see me as you passed by the road I was stopped at, but I certainly saw you, and yes, there were butterflies and excitement. Fools never learn. Will you marry me one day?
Still with hope,
MNP