I don't know how a day can get out of hand, but today did.
It started out pretty darn good. I had a dream where you and I had become better friends than we are now. The kind of friends who do things with one another. You had called me up and asked to go do something, and I said sure. You picked me up for the first part of our adventures. We went out to lunch and driving around. We were laughing and joking just like we also could, like we even did a few weeks before you ended it. Then we came back by my place. We hung out there for a while laughing a good big more and then we left in my car.
We went to the C and O Canal to hike a little. After we hiked a ways, you stopped and burst into tears. At first I just hugged you and let you cry. Then when you had settled a bit, I asked what was wrong. You said you were sorry. I asked for what. You said for leaving me and that you still loved me, had never stopped and that you wanted to be together again. That happy moment was how I started my day, us together again knowing that this time we would make things work.
How did I get off course? I guess that dream was probably the problem. I took it as a sign, a sign that we were getting closer to reconciliation. But of course, it was just a dream and nothing along those lines happened today. Cold and hard reality smacked me over the head.
Meditation didn't work. The positive and gratitude didn't work, as the day drug on, I just became more depressed. Here I am sitting here, writing to you, feeling as low as the day you left me.
I guess I don't understand how someone can give up someone in their darkest hour if you really love them. I never will give up on you. Tonight I hurt. I hurt worse than I ever have in my life and that's saying a lot because I have known so much pain in my life.
I know that I have to focus on the positive, but I am not sure my strength is with me tonight.
I wish I could just be there with you, holding you - holding me, and asking you to marry me with you saying yes and our next journey taking shape, just as it had in the dream.
Wondering if it's all worth it,
MNP