I've had so much advice from so many people since you walked out of my life. Everyone says the same thing - move on, find someone new, that's how we grow, you deserve someone else . . . I wonder did someone tell you that about me? Did that sway your decision to end our relationship?
The simple truth for me is that I cannot give up on us. If there is one person on this planet I know, it's myself. I recall all sorts of things I was told at a very young age that I would change my life about - men, kids, my passions, where I would want to live. Mostly I just smiled and listened to what I knew wasn't true. So far, all of those have turned out to be where I was right and those others were wrong. I don't love them in less for making all of these statements about my life and what I would find, but they do affirm to me more than ever that I know me. I don't need to find a new love to grow or be a better person, and it is impossible for me to find another when the one I love is you. As I've said before, that doesn't mean I will do anything crazy, but it's a truth that I will live with until you come back or until I die.
It does hurt a great deal that you are so adamant against ever considering another chance at the moment and that you did walk out on us. When the one you love gives up on you, well that's a pretty horrific blow to the heart and soul that make up a person.
Still, I am working, fighting and making myself into a better person. I went to the barn again today and got the photos that I needed to complete another section of my courses. I hope to clear up all of these courses very soon and start practicing equine massage, so I'll be ready to add that as a side business. These cold temperatures are keeping most people away from the barn, but it was good to see those that I did there.
Then I went for a hike with a friend. It was a cold hike for sure, but it was good to be out, moving and talking with a new friend. Making new friends, new connections is something that is vital for me to change. I built my world around you and a very few others over the last two years and that was completely unfair to us all. It puts too much pressure on those who were in my life and for me, my social circle has grown so small that I have no real support group anymore. I still wish you could have been there. It was a hike up at Gapland State Park. How many times did you and I hike there? Yes, it was a little hard to hike there without you, but she let me cry and work through those moments when your memory haunted me so very deeply. Then it was onward, and some happy moments. Hiking with anyone else will never be as fulfilling as hiking with you, but it was still good to have some happiness in the day. She took this picture of me for you, to let you know that I am doing what I've set out to do and smiling for you.
On my journeys today I spied 34 total Kia's - your age, which is interesting and the 5th Kia that I saw looked like yours but was not, which is also interesting because that is exactly our age difference. Signs? Sure, I'll take signs wherever I can get them.
Thank you for loving me, Alexa. I've never had anyone love me as you did. I was a fool to not work on things sooner and to let you waltz out of my life. I can only hope that you haven't stopped loving me and never will and because I am a fool who always hopes for more, I hope that you will come back to me and give us another chance. I hope you haven't really given up on us and that you never say never to our true love. I hope for even more because I hope that I can ask you in person what I ask now, will you marry me?
An over-reaching fool,
MNP