Where did all that positive optimism from yesterday go? I don't know if it was the lack of sleep last night, the fact that my neck has gotten worse or negative comments made about me writing these letters to you, but something today reached up and grabbed my heart, it feels like someone is suffocating me as they squeeze my heart. I wish I could find a bottle to keep the positive in, so it would evaporate like raindrops from a sunny sky on the sidewalk. Sadly, I cannot and I find myself at the end of a day that I find myself wishing to cease to exist.
I did do my gratitude acts and those moments are good ones, but I guess it's hard to focus on the positive, the things you have to be thankful for when you know your life will never be complete unless the one person you love is in it. I guess in these darker moments hope flits away like a tern in the surf. I honestly don't know if I will survive if you never come back to me. I won't kill myself, but my will to keep on is not what it once was.
I know people mean well, but am honestly so tired of hearing about how I will find better loves, new love, that I will move on and be happy. Either those people are clueless. Or lucky, because they have their loves in their lives. Or have never met the love of their life. If they had, they wouldn't say it. I try to not say much about how I am feeling to people. I don't want to worry them or have them say things that I can't relate to.
Writing this down does help though. It helps to exorcise the demons who seem to toy with my heart and soul.
I got x-rays today for my neck. It's probably doubtful those will show anything, but need to know if there is anything going on more than a pinched nerve.
I didn't sleep worth a damn last night. I woke up at 3:30, then at 4:30 and then at 5:30. Finally at 6:30 I gave it up and set to doing my thankful project to start the day. I am adding one today at night as well. I am hoping these bring a better balance to my day.
I also took two long walks. Mostly those were positive. I felt alive with the sun on my face, but coming home from the second I did end up crying most of the way home. I had passed your apartment building, not on purpose, just sort of happened that way, and it brought back a flood of memories, like how I used to run every day at work and hope to see you on my return trip or how we had our first date in that park all those years ago or how 4 years ago this month you wrecked the Toyota that you drove at the time. I was so worried about you and felt so bad for you.
Speaking of cars, I did count Kia's. There were 24 total Kia's that I saw today. The 10th Kia that I saw was identical to yours. I was heading to get my x-rays when I saw it. Alas, it was not you, but if I did see you, I think I would start crying.
The TV was on this morning and on Good Morning America they were having a program on about money mistakes and the expert was a woman named Alexa. That was one of those good signs the day brought, but then again, maybe that's just the fool talking. Maybe nothing I "read", maybe nothing I do is worth anything in the end, but it's all I know how to do.
Missing you,
MNP
PS: I pray that one day I won't have to ask Will you marry me because you already will have said yes.