I didn't leave the house today, so no counting Kia's for me. I didn't stay indoors because of depression, but because of money. With the Physical Therapy twice per week and the counseling on top of my bills, well, money just got a little tighter. Have to be wise about things. I focused instead on doing my job, of course, and now have been working to expand my horizons - more ways to find new friends and expand my horizons. I wasn't particularly successful in any of those endeavors, but at least I made an effort.
I am rather frustrated with my writing at the moment. Nothing much seems to flow when I sit down, I am talking about my creative writing. It's odd because I am doing more writing now that I ever have before. I am writing this blog, keeping a dream journal and have a journal where I expand on the messages and thoughts here. I think this missing you is affecting my creativity. You were indeed my muse. I write now to try to impress you, to reach out to you, to forge some connection, but I guess my sad heart knows the chances are very slim to none.
I did have some bad moments today. Moments where I could hardly breath at the thought of never being with you again. Moments where tears overtook my eyes, and I gave into fits of crying. It may not have been a pretty sight, but it was me today at times. In those moments, I just want to crawl into the past when things were happy and bright and live there forever. It wouldn't be real, it wouldn't be healthy, but this pain is too much.
You were in my dream last night - you were possessed by a demon. It was revealed that the demon was what had driven you to leave me. I was fighting hard with help to extricate from you, but woke up before you were free. Of course, it was just a fool's dream, but there you were.
Sweeter dreams to you,
MNP
PS I still dream of marrying you.