I had planned this "flip side" post already, but I see that at least one reader commented that my last post was not in keeping with the love I claim to have for you. Not so, say I. Loving someone doesn't mean you turn a blind eye to every little thing they do and let yourself become a doormat to their whims. It does nothing to lessen my love for you and never will.
That said, I've always acknowledged that I had faults that led to the difficulties in the relationship. I still note the big difference was that I was and still am willing to work on those issues. You were not.
First, I had never addressed the demons from my past. That I loved you has never been in question. That I love myself has always been in question. I won't get into all the reasons why that I have struggled with self-love and confidence here, but it definitely has played out over and over again in my life because I was running away from the issues behind it. I held it all in, built up the walls and thought I could keep everyone out. Then you came along. On our first date, I told you about some of the dark events of my past that contributed to my issues, but that still wasn't enough to overcome them.
Still those issues haunted and dogged me, making me do things that were not beneficial to us. Since you left me, I have been to many sessions of counseling. I would still be doing so if I could afford to continue, but I can't at the moment. I still am working out those issues in the best ways I can and once I have the finances to do so again, I will be doing counseling and if needed, getting medication.
I had bad role models for how relationships are supposed to work. My parents did the best they could with what they had. I am not blaming them for the path I took because at some point an individual has to examine how they have been interacting and decide if they want to change things. The manipulation, lies, and anger that I saw as examples became how I would handle issues. Not anymore though. Along with counseling, I have read and enacted all sorts of better ways to dialogue with those in my life to have a more open, honest and healthy way of disagreeing.
Jealousy, this one is tough. I hated the mere thought of you possibly finding anyone you felt was better than me, and I guess it has happened. This one goes back to my first point. I have always anticipated based on my past that no one could ever really love me and that eventually they would leave me. This one will take a while, but I am working on it, too.
There may have been other things that you saw, and yes I didn't mention here some of the specific ways that you and I discussed how the above manifested in our relationship, but I think if you boil down those things you didn't like, most of them come back to these issues, just as the things I didn't like boiled down to what I saw in you.
One of your friends told me that she felt you were better adjusted having been in the relationship with me than you were before. Maybe so, though I cannot judge if you have because I don't really see that you have faced the issue of running away when work gets tough (not just because of our relationship, but since then some of the careers you've professed to want, only to abandon). Even if you have, it just feels a bit like a crummy consolation prize, speaking honestly. Oh, you loved this person, you helped make them better, but they don't want to be better for you, for someone else.
Well, I hope readers will understand that I am at the very least honest. I know I am not perfect, but I still feel that I have many more positive qualities to offer than negative at the end of the day.
I read today in my wondering knowledge quest that a man once stole $1 to be put in jail for the free healthcare. That doesn't surprise me a bit. When I was in jail for three weeks due to a very stupid experiences as the result of boredom, there was an older man who would commit petty crimes every time they let him out just so he could be back in where he had a bed, a job and a meals.
I counted 25 Kia's today and a friend told me that they almost named their daughter your name, just as a course of conversation. We weren't talking about you. I try to avoid conversation about you.
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